Ananda's account

Ananda writes:

But then something very strange and disturbing began to happen. I wasn’t being given any special powers: instead my teacher began to show signs of serious un-guru-like behavior. He started getting upset when I didn’t want to visit him; he seemed to get very jealous of my inviting a certain girl round to stay with me, and he worked himself up into a lather when I refused to sleep in his bed on the few occasions when we went to Haslemere. I found this very upsetting, mainly because he was showing signs of being dangerously human, having emotional and physical needs, being angry, crying, showing irritation, being distinctly bitchy on occasion, and so forth. But also because he was teaching me non- attachment, and yet here he was showing all the signs of attachment to me.

Things came to a head on our last visit to the cottage, when he asked me to sleep with him and I decided I’d be buggered if I was going to be Bhante’s bum-boy, to use the immortal phrase, no matter what pressure he put on me, subtle or otherwise.. That night I underwent every conceivable kind of guilt trip, even wondering if I was going to be responsible for Bhante’s imminent death, as he was working himself up into such a state, crying, whining, moaning, sobbing, imploring – everything except threatening. (I could never imagine him doing that in a thousand years). I don’t remember too clearly, but I don’t think either of us got any sleep that night. I do remember feeling let down, cheapened, almost physically dirty, and I’d have given anything for that not to have happened. But at no time did he exert any direct kind of pressure or suggestion that I should do it for the sake of my spiritual health: he simply had an overwhelming desire that he could not gainsay, and he saw no reason why he should.

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